zippers are such a cool invention
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
