Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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