His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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