I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
