Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
The air taste purple.
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