He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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