WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
