Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
