just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You need Xanax blowdarts
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
