Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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