We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
