I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
