..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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