i think my mom watched the whole time
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
