uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
