Your mouth is God's brothel.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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