I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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