One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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