My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
