i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
