Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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