I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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