He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
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By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
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Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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