i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
