I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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