I smell stomach acid.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
