I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
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Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
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WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
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