You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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