He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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