watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
