He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
