halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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