No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
