dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
