I didn't shave. On purpose
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
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