why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
