Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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