Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
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Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
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In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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