Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
