Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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