Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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