Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
