I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
