I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
