just tell him i said nine months
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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