We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
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