She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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