that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
