I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
we made out on top of his cat.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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