I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
