Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
