I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
