No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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