dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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