How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
