Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
