My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
