I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
