i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
